After Her
by TriggerHappyWorld
Summary: My response to 'To the Boy in the Blue Knit Cap'. One shot. B/A


A/N: Okay, I swore I would never do a one shot…I lied. My response to 'The Boy in the Blue Knit Cap'. It's short and sweet.

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Rated T for a word, to be on the safe side.

* * *

I didn't think I had been so obvious.

I mean, yeah, I've been dropping hints left and right since coming back to Major Case but for her to actually pick up on them was a shock. I should've known better. This is Alex Eames after all; she's the best cop I know.

Earlier that day was when it all started. After leaving Dr. Gyson's office that afternoon, and seeing her standing there, expectantly waiting, I was surprised but not the least bit disappointed. Minutes before I was told that my job was secured with the NYPD, that I would continue therapy for my trust and anger issues, and that all in all I needed to quit lying to myself if I wanted to get anywhere remotely close to a 'happy' place.

Then there stood Alex. For a man that stopped believing in fate a long time ago, seeing her there made me momentarily a believer.

I had called her Alex, which wasn't the first time, however it was the first time I've done it outside of consoling her. Usually when we got a drink after work, or sometimes dinner, we hardly used each other's names at all. We know who we're talking to, or at least we both think we know each other. And for all the talking we've done, I'm the first to shamefully admit some of what I've told her were lies, or at least not the entire truth.

Lying by omission was my specialty. It was practically my life's motto.

It just was I always thought, and was brought up to think, that personal issues remained personal. Family issues remained within the family.

So, as with Dr. Gyson, I've told Alex the same ol' vague recount of my childhood. The ones about my charming father who was away a lot and when he was home he liked a good time. I told her about going to games with him, meeting ballplayers on the street…being horribly ashamed when he came home and I could smell the women on him. About his gambling addiction and his indifference to my existence.

Truth was, I wasn't waiting at home for him to come in smelling of the women he had been with. For the most part, I had been with him as cover. I had to lie to everyone to keep his secret for him and I had gotten so used to the stories, to the lies, I had buried the truth. And I refused to even acknowledge what that made me as not only a man but as a friend.

How that had ruined all of my relationships with women. All but one.

My repeated lies were betrayals to the people I cared about the most. Dr. Gyson was slowly making me realize that, and that maybe it was time I stopped believing the lies. For a man dedicated to the truth, I was the biggest hypocrite of all. Thing was, Dr. Gyson was right. I was terrified. I had based so much on those lies, on those stories, on making people not truly see me for fear of what they would think. And if it all vanished…where would that leave me?

Where would that leave my relationship with Alex?

I tell you, seeing her there, waiting for me, it made me realize that she was a true constant in my life. She would always be there for me, waiting. I had no idea why, but she always comes back. Her relationship was important, maybe the most important one in my life outside of family. Only recently was I starting to think that it went beyond the professional.

On the drive from my therapist's office to the bank, I had made the decision that if my professional relationship with Alex was moving into a whole new realm, the personal, then that meant I had to be a better friend. And with Dr. Gyson's words still echoing in my head that I was more than my job, I knew that I had to start taking steps to realize that for myself.

I had to see first-hand that I was more than my job. More than my shield and the code of ethics I lived so dutifully by for my entire adult life. I waited until after the Feds encroached on our case and took it over before I asked Alex to join me for drink.

We were leaving the department, and my excitement at keeping my job had inspired me to be a little bold and reckless. At fifty years of age that meant getting a drink on a Sunday night and then heading home for bed, because I did still have to get up for work in the morning. Having a hangover at fifty really, _really_, sucked.

With an easy smile and a knowing glint in her eye, she said, "Sure. Where?"

"Uh…the nearest bar. I took the subway today."

"I could drive you. We could go somewhere in Brooklyn if you want? It'll be on the way to both our neighborhoods."

Not being able to say no to that offer, I followed her to her car and then before I knew it we were at _Tally's_ in Williamsburg. It was a few blocks from the border to my neighborhood of Greenpoint. It was the best choice because all Alex had to do was get on Metropolitan Avenue and take it all the way home to Forest Hills in Queens.

After ordering a round for the both of us we toasted to me keeping my job.

As our glasses clicked together, Alex amended the toast by simply saying, "To us."

_To us. _It had taken me a little by surprise but I downed my drink anyway. The one and only drink I had promised myself to have that night, and then went a little bolder and ordered two more. _To us._

Those words didn't leave my head all evening. Each time I looked over at Alex, I heard her voice speaking them.

Several times I tried to talk to her, and not just about the case we currently cleared, but each time I went to open my mouth she cut me off. It was like she knew what I wanted to talk about but wouldn't allow me to voice it. Not yet anyways.

It reminded me of what she had done earlier that day on the sidewalk. When I had hesitated, she had changed the subject. Then on my second hesitation, she had gotten into the SUV and waited for me to get in.

Then with my third hesitation, I had been the one to cop-out with "Let's go."

Tonight was the same song and dance between us as always. That left me with the impression that we both had a mutual understanding to what hearing the silence, stopping the movement, would mean.

I mean, if we both just stopped…

But I had a funny feeling we never would. It wasn't in our natures. Where one of us zigged, the other zagged. When one stumbled, the other was as steady as a rock. We were never in unison but we kept each other in perfect balance. So when I hesitated, she picked up the slack and got me back on track.

I wondered what would happen if I decided instead of moving away from her, I actually followed. Instead of when I stumbled, I took her to the ground with me…Or would she make me hold my ground with her? Instead of making her keep up with me, I followed after her.

"You've been doing that a lot lately," Alex said as we exited the bar.

"Doing what?" I asked as I dug through my wallet for my Metro Card.

"Smiling. I forgot how much it looks good on you."

"I have a lot to smile about," I vaguely told her as I found my card and smiled a little wider. "See. Found it," I said as I held up my card like I'd just found a million bucks.

Alex chuckled and shook her head. Then, she hesitated and this was where I would normally go ahead and save her by thanking her for the drink, giving her a little wave, and then turning around to leave her alone on the sidewalk while I went to the subway.

She hesitated…I hesitated, and this time it was me waiting.

"There's something you're not telling me," she accused as she looked up at me.

Omission, my biggest downfall. There were a lot of things I wasn't telling her, but I was certain she had something specific in mind. "You're right," I admitted, "I'm not being…completely open, honest, with you…I, uh, I want to apologize for that."

Alex nodded a little but didn't look the least bit disappointed. "Whatever it is…" she trailed off and hesitated again with a look of anticipation in her eyes.

Was she expecting me to turn away and leave because that was what I would normally do? This was usually the point where I bailed on the conversation. Where I told her to 'back off'. "What gave me away?" I asked instead, still following.

The surprise on her face made me smile a little more. Clearly she wasn't expecting that. "Well…um…" she faltered as she became more apprehensive about actually having to confront me about this on the street. "I've been feeling that lately there's something going on with you…involving me."

Right again. I nodded while internally feeling the fear creeping up into my chest, in my head, and I was having a hard time keeping myself still. Fight or flight time and it was a struggle to stop myself from running. My hands twisted together hard as my feet danced around the concrete walkway.

Never taking her eyes off mine, she said, "Every case we had involving web dating sites you asked me if I ever used them. Or you inquired about, hinted around about if I was dating someone. You said Nick was a lucky boy to get kissed by me."

"Are you suggesting-"

"You know damn well what I'm suggesting."

I panicked. With her sudden anger and my fears, I turned and started to walk away. I couldn't keep following her. But I heard her coming up behind me and yelling my name.

"Bobby, dammit, stop walking so fast! Wait up!"

She rounded in front of me and held her hands out, hitting me in my chest. Stopping only to not plow her over, I stepped back and said angrily, "What?!"

And that was all I could think to say, to get out, because I had no fight with her. I had nothing to accuse her with like I had done with Dr. Gyson. I had nothing to push her away with except for the truth.

In my hesitation, she always hesitated and then waited. Our old song and dance had broken because we had both finally stopped. We were both now just waiting.

Taking a breath, I asked what I really wanted to ask, "And?"

"And…" she sighed and shrugged. "It's okay."

_It's okay. _"It's okay? Do…do-" I shook my head because I couldn't get it to work right. _It's okay. To us. _She knew and she was okay with it? Okay that I was, uh…That my feelings were growing beyond the professional. "It's okay?" I asked again, hardly able to believe that we were talking about the same thing.

"Yeah, so…you love me. I love you too, it's no big deal."

"No big deal," I nearly yelled as I stepped up to her. My whole body felt like it had gone into shock from her statement, her admission of love. And how could she say that so nonchalantly like it was no big deal. Lowering my voice, all I could think to ask was, "Why didn't you tell me?"

She huffed out a laugh, saying sarcastically, "That would've worked out _so_ well. You would've gotten a job in China if I told you I loved you."

Nodding slightly, I asked, "How long?"

"It's hard to say. I've always loved you as a friend for so long, that when it went deeper than that it was nearly effortless. I resided to the fact that you're Bobby and you wouldn't have accepted that coming from me. I told myself I'd get over it."

Her honesty blew me away. She was the perfect example of what I was trying to be that it was painful to hear the truth in her words. I couldn't speak after that. Couldn't say a single simple sentence to confirm what she had just said. I couldn't say the words that she could so easily say with a shrug because to her it just was and we just were.

_It's okay. You're Bobby and you wouldn't have accepted that coming from me…I'll get over it._

Alex was right again. Had she told me that weeks ago, maybe even days ago, I would have gotten angry. I would have run for the hills; I would have stopped trying to keep us in balance.

But now…I thought I could be more than my job. Or at least, I hoped. That was yet to be seen, proven, as the truth.

Shifting around on the sidewalk, trying to calm my nerves, I asked, "So…what'd you want to do about it?"

Alex gave me another shrug, because everything about this was so fucking nonchalant. _No big deal. _"I'm not sure. One day at a time, okay?"

One day at a time. I could do that. It wasn't like I had anything better to wait on, or someone better to wait for. "Could…could you, um…"

"I'll give you a lift," she said with a smile and nod as she started to walk around me.

Reaching out, I stopped her. Taking her hand in mine, I expected that she would let me hold it while we walked to her car. I should've known better. This was Alex Eames after all.

Instead of letting me hold her hand, she gave a laugh as she pulled it away and started walking ahead of me. "I don't hold hands."

I couldn't help it as I smiled while I taking a step to follow. "Good," I shot back, trying to keep some form of dignity. "Neither do I."

Alex just laughed.

That's when I decided that with one day, and one step at a time, I'll follow after her until I reached that so-called happy place.

The End? I think so.


End file.
